Chapter 1
Published on May 12, 2004 By josiebabe In Life Journals
This is turning out to be the journal of a fraidy cat.

Today, there was a career fair for writers at school. It's actually going on right now: publishers, writers, associations. I thought, neat, I can go and ask questions to get a better idea of what the industry's like. So I get ready to go, read over the questions I prepared and print off a couple resumes on pretty paper, just in case. What happens? I walk in, and walk right out.

A wave of ill-feeling just swept over me. I suddenly felt like everything was really heavy. What am I doing here? I don't belong here. I don't even really want to be a writer. That was just some childish dream of what I would be when I grew up. I keep pushing that reality further and further into the future that will never really happen. I thought I could hack it as a copyeditor, part-time or for a summer job; but, merely getting pissed off at grammatical and stylistic mistakes doesn't really qualify a hack for a job.

I'm looking over the brochure like a remorseful little girl. This is what the face of a fraidy cat looks like: sour and disappointed.

Did you ever say to yourself, this is too challenging, but one day, I'll be able to do it, and I'll do it well? I feel like I've been saying that my whole life. I keep thinking in that perfect place called 'the future', things will work out in a whimsical way. I've been saying since high school that I'd get my mile down to seven minutes. That's a modest time, it's really not that great. I haven't trained in years, but I keep thinking about it. I always make sure I've got a good pair of running shoes kicking around, just in case. I don't want my little dream for a seven-minute mile to be a metaphor for how I tackle life.

on May 12, 2004
I usually don't pay any attention to commercials, but there was something I heard one day called something or other Anxiety Disorder. This sounds like it, specially because of the phrase "I feel like I've been saying that my whole life." Please, I'm not saying you're crazy or anything like that, but it might be worth talking to your doctor about it ??
on May 12, 2004
Yeah I probably do suffer from chronic anxiety, but I'm not alone. Thanks for the insight.