He did it again, that insensitve bastard.
Published on May 5, 2004 By josiebabe In Life Journals
Why do I stay? Why do I think I need him? This reads like some lame high school relationship. I never dreamed that I'd be in a relationship with someone who pisses me off to all hell all the time, and at the same time I feel like I can't leave.

Why do I have to be such a woman? Women do this. They hope. He'll change. He won't screw up again. He promises. I always think it will get better. We can't even go grocery shopping without getting into a screaming argument. But I just look at him with all the love in the world, and I can see in him the potential to be my husband, to be a good father. Why do women do this? I look at him and I can't see him for what he is. I can't accept that this relationship will never work because we're too different. All I can see is how good he can be. Why do we hope so much? I don't think that love should be this hard. It should come easier than this. I mean when you plan to marry someone it should be a happy thing, right?

I love him so much, and I don't have the balls to leave... because I have all the hope in the world that he'll live up to be the man he should have always been. But how long? A big part of my indecision has to do with the fact that I can't admit that I'm wrong, that I made a mistake by choosing to be in a relationship for so many years. How could I have chosen the wrong person? I don't know if I'm making excuses for him... or may be I'm making excuses because I don't want to be alone. This is the saddest, most pathetic, waste of time bull that I ever heard.

Basically, I've been with someone twelve years my senior for five years. He's been out of work for most of that time. I understand that we're in some kind of sick, demented, co-dependent relationship. But underneath it all, I have this feeling that it's not just my co-dependent freakiness that keeps me here. So the cycle begins again. He offers me a rose, and I accept. Then we act like none of that bad stuff ever happened. Here goes.

on May 05, 2004
it's time to walk away
on May 06, 2004
What it comes down to is You are the only person responsible for your happiness, no one can tell you what choice to make.

Tell me ..do you want to be right here exactly the same in 10 years?

on May 06, 2004

Thanks, your advice is very fitting. I've had thoughts like that weighing me down for such a long time. The only thing I can say is that he makes me happy most of the time. I'd like to think that a lot of what's wrong is partly my fault for building my life around him.

But you are right, I'm responsible for my own happiness. I don't have the balls to make a decision I can live with, right now. I think it's coming soon. I broke up with him around earlier this year. When I went back to him, I knew... if it doesn't work out this time, I can't blame him, it's my fault. I had already walked away.

I get annoyed with people who can't get out of something that's clearly wrong. I can imagine how this all might sound. But I've gone this far, I want to hang on a little further and see if all the colours really do come out after the flood.
on May 07, 2004
If he makes you happy most of the time ...maybe you both just need to work at it ...good relationships don't just happen ...they require work, commitment, compromise and lots of love.

I hope things work out the best for you ..no matter what choice you make.

on May 07, 2004